I'm starting a blog because I really don't know what else to do with my time. I know I may seem dramatic but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I had so many plans and so many things I wanted to do, breaking my ankle couldn't have happened at a worse time. Getting that taste of freedom and independence first semester and then not only getting it completely taken away, but needing to be dependent on others even more is indescribable. I don't know who I am or even who I want to be. I'm lost in my mind.
I have all these thoughts and feelings and don't know what to do with them. I'm 19 years old but still feel like a child, still feel like I can't make my own decisions without asking my parents first. And while I want to stay young I also want to become who I'm supposed to be. I try to stay positive and put good vibes into the universe, but it is so so hard. Every doctors appointment is more bad news.
Having to put my life on hold and just watch as the endless days go by. Not wanting to be awake so I can just sleep through life until it's all over. Waking up just to go to a doctor's appointment in the hopes of good news and never getting any. That's not a way to live. That's not living at all.
Four surgeries, two infections, one picc line.
Always having to wear long sleeves to cover the tube that is coming out of my arm. Just six more weeks, but wait no now another six weeks. Four months is a long time to sit around with your thoughts.
Not even liking my favorite foods because of the antibiotics. I don't even want water anymore, but at times its all I can keep down. I need to eat to get better, but eating makes me want to puke. When I do get hungry I can't figure out what I want, nothing tastes right.
It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.
But it could be worse.
It could be worse, but that doesn't make me feel any better. A lot of things could be worse, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's hard. I'm struggling.
Struggling to find who I am. Struggling to figure out what I want to do. Struggling to gain independence.
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