I am so confused with life it's disgusting. I have an idea of what I want to do, but I'm not sure the right way to do it. I don't know where I want to go. And I honestly don't think college is the right path for me. Not right now anyway. I just think it's so stupid to pay all this money I don't have to get a degree I might not need. I think I need to take at least a year off to figure this all out.
I think I need a year to work and save up money. Because not having money to do what I want stresses me out the most. I don't want to have to solely depend on my parents anymore. And being unable to work or do anything these past 3 months has been such a waste of my life. I need to explore. Figure out who I am. Figure out what will make me truly happy.
As much as I love Tampa I think I went there for the wrong reasons. I went there for the environment, for the warmth, as an escape. And I think it's stupid to go back and spend so much money to later figure out I made a mistake. But not going back may also be a mistake do you see my problem here???
Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me what will make me happy. Or be able to see into the future. Because I see myself doing so many things I don't know how to narrow it down to one. And I hate that I have to figure out one thing to do the rest of my life. Because I don't think I should have to. Who says I can't change my mind every couple of years and try something new?
I'm indecisive, yet impulsive which is probably the worst combination in the history of combinations. I can never make up my mind. And when I want something I go out and get it or do it right away without really thinking about it. That's the problem with me. I feel like I don't know anything and struggle so hard figuring things out. And I honestly don't think the stress of college is going to help me at all. It's just going to make everything so much more confusing.
I think there are many different paths you can take in life, I don't think college is the only one. And I fully understand that you need a degree to get a good job. But that's not what I'm looking for. I never ever wanted to work in the corporate world, or really anywhere conventional. I always saw myself doing something creative and I feel like college right now is just hindering that.
You have to do everything a certain way, go to class, stress out about exams, take exams, pop pills in order to study for those exams. You're graded on how much material you memorized, not how much you actually comprehend. Some professors look down on you and don't actually help you. You're so stressed out about a test or essay you may or may not have done well on that you get shitfaced on the weekend to get your mind off of it. You get so blacked out on Saturday, you're too hungover Sunday to study for you're exam on Monday. So you don't do well on that exam. And it's this never ending cycle. Then four years later you're finally graduating. You may have developed a twitch from all the stress, but you're graduating!!!
College can be a very toxic place. I'm not saying everyone's college experience is like this. It obviously is possible to do well and still have fun and balance everything. But for someone like me it's really hard. I fucked up hard core first semester. It's not that I didn't do well in my classes, it's that I wouldn't go. I would get drunk or go pet puppies (there's a place called puppies puppies puppies in Tampa it's amazing) instead and didn't realize how much it would effect my end grade. I knew the professors took attendance, but I didn't care. I thought it'd be fine in the end. But it wasn't. I ended with a 2.75 and had to lie to my parents about it. I even photoshopped the picture of my grades to show my dad. How pathetic is that? I had to change the letter C to a B in order to get my parents approval. Grade's are another thing I won't even get into right now.
So basically you spend four years of your life exhausted, in debt, and slightly buzzed in order to get a degree that STILL doesn't guarantee you a job. So you go to graduate school to become more exhausted, even more in debt, to finally get a good job and make money, but you don't actually have that money because you have to pay off all your built up loans for years after. What kind of bullshit system is that? Do I want to go through all that if I don't have to? Absolutely fucking not. I think there are other ways to go about living and I want to find them. And in a couple years if that doesn't work out I can always go back to school. Just because I don't do it right away like you're supposed to, doesn't mean I can't do it later. I think I just need time to figure it out.
I think if that's what you feel like you need to do then you need to do it. Honestly though. It might be good for you to take up community college and take a few classes that you're curious about. So instead of seeking one degree you'd be trying a lot of different things. I went to community college for a year and realized I wanted to do something completely different. I think at 18, just coming out of school we don't know what we really want. We're all just programmed to find a college and go. I'm about to take a year off too before going on to more college. I feel like people shame taking time off but don't get wrapped up in 'their' system. You mentioned wanting to do something creative DO IT. no matter how tough it might seem to follow that dream. You'll be happier for it. You also have to control the partying if that really does distract you. Take a year off and super save so then next spring you can have your pick at where you want to go.
ReplyDeleteYeah that's what I'm thinking about doing and then I might transfer somewhere in the spring if I feel ready! I agree I hate that people think talking a year off is so bad because you won't graduation "on time" or whatever. It's like it shouldn't matter when you graduate as long as you do! And if you don't think it's the right thing for you, you shouldn't go just because it's what's "normal" or what most people choose to do.
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