Words and stuff

Sometime I get high and write things in the notes on my phone. These are just a couple, I'll post more as they come.

#1

Words hurt.

They leave marks,

Not physically.

But with enough time,

These marks begin to show,

And the pain starts to pour out of your eyes 

And you are broken. 

#2 

At the age of 14 you think you know all there is to know. You're practically an adult. You fall (hard) for anything a boy tells you. "You're hot" "you got a nice ass" so romantic. 

And then he goes in for the kiss. You're nervous, not sure what to do. So you wait for his direction. You feel his tongue on yours and you're excited. This is everything. You've ever wanted. You're very first kiss. Behind the bleachers. Hoping your braces don't get stuck together. Hoping you don't get caught. Hoping you're doing everything right. If only he could hear the thoughts. Sprinting through your head. If only it meant as much to him. As it. Did to you. But what he will never admit. Is that. It did. 

#3

You turn me on
with the things you do,
the things you say,
and all the things I hate.

#4 

Raindrops drip as tears run down my face,

It's comforting knowing the weather is as sad as I am.

#5

It's funny

How when you're older you revert back to a child

You live in a home

Where people are constantly trying to keep your attention

Exactly like an infant

And someone cuts your food and helps you dress and bathe

You need to be watched at all times so you don't act up

It's funny

How you can live all these years and then it's as if its totally washed away

You're helpless when you're born and you're helpless when you die

It's funny

How cyclical life is

And how sometimes it's over before you've had a chance to live.

#6

Boys have this ability

To smile

And make you forget,

His words

That hurt you the most.

His actions

That made you feel small.

His mouth

Will burn holes in your skin

And you

Will let it all happen

Because

You are weak

And his lips

Are still as sweet

As the first time you kissed

#7

I used to look at him and see stars in his eyes,

but slowly, eventually,
those stars faded,
and all that was left were black holes.

#8
People will use fear to control you.
If you don't believe in God, you will go to hell.
If you don't listen to your government, you will go to jail.
If you don't work hard, you will be unsuccessful.
If you don't do as your parents say, you will be punished.
If you don't think the way others do, you are wrong.
But remember
You are free, you are free, you are free.

#9
I've got some issues that nobody can see,
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me.

(I realize this is a Kid Cudi lyric but at the time I was really convinced I made it up)

A message to graduating seniors

Being a senior in high school is an extremely exciting time. You're the oldest in the school and you think you run shit. And honestly you do. Think of how you viewed the seniors when you were a freshmen. They were so much older and mature and worldly... and then you become one yourself and see the reality of it. It's a time you start planning for your future which is fun and exciting but equally scary and stressful. So here are my tips on how to tackle your senior year of high school and some helpful things to remember going on to college.

1. If you have the opportunity to graduate early, do it. 
(It's obviously too late for the graduating seniors now to do this, so juniors and younger this one is really for you). Now I know everyone thinks "but no I want to spend time with my friends" or "I won't feel like part of the school anymore by prom or graduation" But none of that matters. If I could go back I would have taken that time to work, save up money, maybe take a couple classes at community college. Because if you don't save up you go into freshmen year broke as fuck, having to call your parents every other week and beg for money. Then after the first couple months they will cut you off and you'll have to get a real job which I don't recommend your first semester. Take time to focus on your work and adjust yourself to the new environment.

2. Don't waste time on people you don't actually care about. 
Everyone has the mindset that it's your last year of high school so you want to be friends with everyone before you all go away. Don't waste your time. Because either way you are only going to really stay in contact with your close friends. I'm not saying you won't talk to other people once in a while, but don't push away your close friends for people you are trying to become friends with. I can count on both hands all the people from high school I talk to on a daily basis. Those are the ones you'll be calling at 2 in the morning because you're drunk and you miss them.

3. Fuck duel enrollment.
Don't spend the money unless it's one you know will transfer to the school you're going to. That goes for AP classes as well. If you don't think you'll get a 3 or above on the exam, don't waste you're money on the test. I spent like 90 bucks or whatever on a child development duel enrollment and have no clue where that credit went. It's floating around space somewhere, but I've never seen it. I guess if you care enough you could ask someone, but to be honest it's not worth it because I know it wouldn't transfer anyway. Take that $90 and splurge at Urban Outfitters. And by splurge I mean buy a tee shirt, a hangover cookbook and a 'fuck my liver' flask; things that will actually be useful in college.

4. Don't get too overwhelmed. 
Failing one physics test does not matter. Don't get sick over your grades, it's stupid. Unless you're trying to get into an ivy league school, your gpa is not that big of a deal. As long as you get alright SAT scores and have some extracurriculars under your belt you'll get in. I was so worried I wouldn't get in anywhere that I applied to 13 schools and got in to all but two. It was a complete waste of money and time. Even if it's not your top choice, you'll get in somewhere and love it. Because college is pretty fucking fun no matter where you go.

5. Your parents are great and all, but learn to be independent. 
I know I'm really lucky that my parents helped me apply to school and pay for loans and everything, but sometimes you have to do things on your own. My dad is overly involved to the point where he won't let me figure things out by myself and I always have to tell him to back off. It makes it really hard to become independent when you don't know how to be. If your parents are helping you, do everything with them, don't let them do it on their own. Because now I'm clueless when it comes to certain things because I was never taught how, it was just done for me. Also if you don't know how to do laundry, learn how to before you go to college. Don't be that pathetic kid asking for help, it's really not that hard and pretty much self explanatory.

6. Group chats are life.
Stay in contact with your friends from home with a group chat. I can't stress enough how nice it is being in a new place and still have all your best friends virtually by your side. Especially if you go somewhere far away like I did and don't know anyone, being able to text in the group chat at any time of the day and someone answering is extremely comforting. They are also great if you are feeling down or stressed and need a good laugh. You're hometown homies always gotchu when it comes to that.

7. Don't do anything just because you think you have to. 
Because you don't. You never have to do anything you don't feel right about. If your friends are all into greek life and you're not about it don't feel pressured to join because of them or anyone else. I joined because I was a legacy and felt like I had to but ended up hating it. So don't bother spending all that money if you aren't 100% about it. If you're friends are getting drunk on a Tuesday and you have a test the next day, pass on drinking and study. It will benefit you in the long run. Learn from my mistakes.

8. That goes for college in general as well. 
If you don't think you're ready, don't go. Take time off to work and think and travel. Don't worry about "graduating on time" that means nothing. You're young. You don't have to graduate at 22 if it's not the right time for you. And don't let anyone shame or guilt you into going. Just because you don't go right after college, doesn't mean you can't go eventually.

9. Don't go to a school for the wrong reasons.
This is what I did. I wanted to get far away and go somewhere warm that people would be jealous of. They had my major, but it wasn't the best place to go for it. This was the dumbest thing I could have ever done. Because even though it isn't the right place for you, you will still fall in love with it. How could you want to leave the palm trees and pool breaks between classes? It will make it harder leaving after you went and made friends. Believe me it would have been easier for me to never experience it because I wouldn't know the difference. Go where they have a good program for your major that you love. Remember it is college, not a vacation.

10. Learn to live for yourself. 
This is different than being independent. Living for yourself is doing things for you, not doing things because other people want or expect you to. This is the time in your life where it is essential to start living for yourself. You no longer have to live for your parents, or you friends. You don't have to do things you hate because your mom told you to. You are on your own to make your own decisions and do what you want to do. Learn how to do this responsibly. Don't do something crazy just because you don't have anyone telling you not to. Do something crazy because it's something you want to do and it's college. You're supposed to do stupid things, mess up, and learn from it.

11. Lastly, always do what makes you happy. 
No matter what, if it will make you happy, do it. And if that's day drinking on a wednesday because your class gets canceled that's okay. Just don't make a habit of it. If it'll make you smile or laugh, it's worth doing. Because in the end if you're happy it will radiate from you and make others happy. There are so many kids in college who are miserable because they listen to all this outside nonsense and it gets to their head. This crazy time in your life can be simple if you just do what makes you happy, and not care what anyone else thinks.

We all got body parts

Another one of my I CAN'TS. I can't stand that sex and being naked is so obscene to people like ????!!??!! I just can't wrap my mind around it. We all have the same body parts why can't I show you mine if you've got the some of the same things goin on?? We've all seen a penis, we've all seen a vagina, we've all seen boobs, we all have a butt. Also why is it that women have more "private parts" then men? I don't like that either. And sex like its a natural thing that everyone will do at some point in their life. You have to do it in order to create life!! So why do people still act like its so explicit and dirty? And how is being naked some offensive thing? I'm more offended if you walk around in crocs than if you walk around naked. Sex is great and so is being naked and I shouldn't be shamed for liking either of them. I CAN'T.

I hate college

I am so confused with life it's disgusting. I have an idea of what I want to do, but I'm not sure the right way to do it. I don't know where I want to go. And I honestly don't think college is the right path for me. Not right now anyway. I just think it's so stupid to pay all this money I don't have to get a degree I might not need. I think I need to take at least a year off to figure this all out.

I think I need a year to work and save up money. Because not having money to do what I want stresses me out the most. I don't want to have to solely depend on my parents anymore. And being unable to work or do anything these past 3 months has been such a waste of my life. I need to explore. Figure out who I am. Figure out what will make me truly happy.

As much as I love Tampa I think I went there for the wrong reasons. I went there for the environment, for the warmth, as an escape. And I think it's stupid to go back and spend so much money to later figure out I made a mistake. But not going back may also be a mistake do you see my problem here???

Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me what will make me happy. Or be able to see into the future. Because I see myself doing so many things I don't know how to narrow it down to one. And I hate that I have to figure out one thing to do the rest of my life. Because I don't think I should have to. Who says I can't change my mind every couple of years and try something new?

I'm indecisive, yet impulsive which is probably the worst combination in the history of combinations. I can never make up my mind. And when I want something I go out and get it or do it right away without really thinking about it. That's the problem with me. I feel like I don't know anything and struggle so hard figuring things out. And I honestly don't think the stress of college is going to help me at all. It's just going to make everything so much more confusing.

I think there are many different paths you can take in life, I don't think college is the only one. And I fully understand that you need a degree to get a good job. But that's not what I'm looking for. I never ever wanted to work in the corporate world, or really anywhere conventional. I always saw myself doing something creative and I feel like college right now is just hindering that.

You have to do everything a certain way, go to class, stress out about exams, take exams, pop pills in order to study for those exams. You're graded on how much material you memorized, not how much you actually comprehend. Some professors look down on you and don't actually help you. You're so stressed out about a test or essay you may or may not have done well on that you get shitfaced on the weekend to get your mind off of it. You get so blacked out on Saturday, you're too hungover Sunday to study for you're exam on Monday. So you don't do well on that exam. And it's this never ending cycle. Then four years later you're finally graduating. You may have developed a twitch from all the stress, but you're graduating!!!

College can be a very toxic place. I'm not saying everyone's college experience is like this. It obviously is possible to do well and still have fun and balance everything. But for someone like me it's really hard. I fucked up hard core first semester. It's not that I didn't do well in my classes, it's that I wouldn't go. I would get drunk or go pet puppies (there's a place called puppies puppies puppies in Tampa it's amazing) instead and didn't realize how much it would effect my end grade. I knew the professors took attendance, but I didn't care. I thought it'd be fine in the end. But it wasn't. I ended with a 2.75 and had to lie to my parents about it. I even photoshopped the picture of my grades to show my dad. How pathetic is that? I had to change the letter C to a B in order to get my parents approval. Grade's are another thing I won't even get into right now.

So basically you spend four years of your life exhausted, in debt, and slightly buzzed in order to get a degree that STILL doesn't guarantee you a job. So you go to graduate school to become more exhausted, even more in debt, to finally get a good job and make money, but you don't actually have that money because you have to pay off all your built up loans for years after. What kind of bullshit system is that? Do I want to go through all that if I don't have to? Absolutely fucking not. I think there are other ways to go about living and I want to find them. And in a couple years if that doesn't work out I can always go back to school. Just because I don't do it right away like you're supposed to, doesn't mean I can't do it later. I think I just need time to figure it out.

Be the change

I want to change the world. I want to make a difference. I don't want to just go through the motions in life. I want to help people. I want to stand up for what's right and fight against what's wrong. This world has so much potential and so little being done about it. You can think I'm crazy or ridiculous for thinking I can make an impact. But that's why I will. “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” 

And I guess it comes down to different mindsets and the way people think, but I don't understand how people could not want to. I look at the world and see so much greatness already that I can't help but want to make it even better.

I want to travel and see what's out there. I don't want to continue focusing on irrelevant and material things. Because at any minute your life could end and what do you have to show for it? A couple Apple products and designer clothes? I'm not saying it's bad to want or have these things, but you shouldn't revolve your life around them. Because there are so much more important things. 

I find pictures like this online and find myself jealous of their happiness. They have nothing. They walk barefoot on dirt. They have rags for clothes. They probably don't have much to eat. But they are HAPPY. They still find joy in life regardless of their situation. And I think this is how we all should live. Find joy. Find peace. Focus on positive things. Always help those in need. Because in the end being a good person is what really counts. And being a good person is one step in helping change the world. 

Life and Loss

Death in any form is hard to deal with. Some have time to process and accept it. Some have their life taken so fast there's no time for that. And others take their own life maybe to escape the pain, maybe because it's easy, maybe because they feel there's no other way.

Death always seems unfair. Because it is, but it's necessary. You live and then die. That's the simplest way to put it. But life isn't simple and neither is death. I, myself, have a very hard time processing it all. One minute someone is here, and the next they're gone.

What's scary to me is how easy it is to end a life. The fact that I could kill someone right now if I wanted to terrifies me. The fact that someone could kill me right now frightens me. The fact that I could kill myself right now petrifies me. Because one second is all it takes. One second of insanity and a life can be lost.

Fear, hate, anger, sadness, desperation.

Mental illness, substance abuse, bullying, sexual abuse.

The media.

Thinking you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things to make you important. To make your life worth living. A life worth living. 

There are so many factors and possible ways to die. So many what if's. It could happen, what if it did happen, when will it happen, why does it happen, should it happen. I could get cancer, or be murdered. I could become depressed, or feel isolated and take my own life. So many reasons to live, and so many reasons to die.

Death is inevitable, but living isn't.

And that's scary. People are alive, but don't live. People feel the need to take a life, to take their own life, but why? If death is inevitable why wouldn't you want to live while you can? Why wouldn't you want that for another human being? And I know it's not that easy, but it also doesn't have to be that hard.

Suicide and murder. It seems so drastic. Is killing yourself, or someone else, really gonna make you feel better in the end? Maybe? But if you're dead how can you be sure? We want to think they're in a better place now. We hope. And hope is really all we can do.

And there are so many opposing views on suicide. It's selfish, it's an easy way out, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm still not sure where I stand on the topic. Two of my uncles have committed suicide, one as recently as this past October, and I'm still not sure. And I guess it's because I see both sides. I understand they felt hopeless and that it was the only way. I understand the pain they must have felt. I understand that they may have thought it was for the best. Shaking as they bring the gun to their head and pull the trigger.

But I also understand how the person who had to find them must have felt. Walking into the garage and seeing your husbands lifeless body laying in a pool of his own blood. Having to explain to your kids where their dad is and what he's done. Having to relive it and tell other people. People they knew, people they worked for, people they loved. I understand the pain it brings onto other people. It hurts everyone they ever met, everyone they ever knew. Could I have done something to prevent it? I must have been a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad person for not realizing something was wrong.

Maybe if the world in general was a better place people wouldn't need to find a way out. If we replaced all of the negativity with positivity. If we loved one another, while still being able to have and appreciate differences. If we realized we don't all have to be the same, or share the same views, or even get along, but be able to accept people for who they are. Love them regardless and because of it. Because when you think about it how sad is it all? People feel so bad they need to escape life, without even knowing the alternative. Life after death could be worse. We don't want to believe that, but it still could.

As a teenager, when you see someone, your own age especially, die in a freak accident, or take their own life, it makes everything that much more incomprehensible. Because in the back of your mind you're constantly thinking that it could have been you. I could have gotten sick, I could have felt helpless, that could have been me. But it wasn't.

But it wasn't and that was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason the sun comes up in the morning and the moon at night. People have their reasons. They may not be the right reasons, or rational reasons. But good things can't always happen. Because without the bad, we wouldn't appreciate the good. There's a certain amount of darkness needed to see the stars.

Generation Y

I'm really glad people are actually reading my blog because I honestly didn't expect anyone to. I'm doing this for myself because writing is really the only way I can properly get down my thoughts. I have all these confusing questions and ideas in my head and I'm happy to hear I'm not the only one.

As a teenager you sometimes forget that you do matter. Many people don't take you seriously and won't listen to what you have to say, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't say it. Even if you feel like you're talking to yourself at least you're getting these thoughts into the universe. And a lot of the time when I do get a chance to say what I have to say I can't get my thoughts straight and end up seeming like I don't know what I'm talking about. Which just reiterates this idea in adults heads that teens talk out of their ass and that's exactly what I don't want them to think. It makes everything so frustrating because I do know what I'm talking about. And if I don't I'll admit it, but still state my opinion. Just because I don't know everything about a certain topic doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it.

I just have so many thoughts I can't put them together and have them make sense in a conversation. That's why writing makes it so much easier because I have time to think out what I'm trying to say. Even though I'm a teenager doesn't mean my opinions don't matter. Because my opinions are the future. And if we don't get a chance to state our opinions what kind of future will we have?

Our generation is unlike any other. We live in a technological era. We have information at the tip of our fingers. If there is something I want to know all I have to do is type it into Google and have the answer in a second. If there is something I don't understand I have the ability to research it and find out both sides. I don't have to rely on books or news articles that may be only one sided. I have the freedom to have opinions, where people in the past didn't even have that.

We are also a generation seeking change. We are finally starting to have a voice where younger people never have before. We are more openminded than past generations and are learning acceptance of all people, races, genders. We understand that everyone is different, yet we all share one common interest. We are all humans. We all live, breathe, and eventually die. So while we are alive we want to live.

And sometimes we don't live the way other people want us to and that's okay. Ayn Rand believes the ultimate goal in life is to find self happiness. That sacrificing and suffering for other people in neither respectable or necessary. And when you think about it as long as you're happy, that should make others happy as well. We shouldn't live for other people, but for ourselves and the way we feel is right. There is not only one way to live.

We want to experiment and learn. And the way we learn is through our mistakes. We mess up. A LOT. But we keep trying because eventually we'll figure it out. We might get high, which our parent's don't approve of or understand, but it opens our minds. It helps us think outside ourselves. And we don't always want to listen to our parents because sometimes they are wrong. Just because they are older, doesn't always make them wiser. And while I want to respect them, I also want to challenge them. I want them to see things the way we do. I asked my grandparents if I married a lesbian would they come to my wedding... My grandpop told me to not even waste an invitation on him. While I know if that ever did happen they would learn to accept it and come, but how can they flat out deny my happiness just like that? And I know it's the way they were raised.

They were raised in an era where blacks and women were still fighting for their rights. The thought of a biracial marriage was unheard of, let alone a homosexual one. They were taught to be seen, but not heard. They weren't allowed to have ideas or thoughts at all. Teenagers and kids weren't really seen as people. And that's absolutely not how I want my children raised. I want my kids raised in a world of acceptance and love. A world where you have a voice no matter your age. There is so much hate in this world and it's because people don't always accept other people as they are. And this world won't be possible if our generation continues to be silenced and subordinated. If we aren't heard, nothing will ever change and the world is in need of some serious change.

That's why it's so important to have our voices heard. To have opinions, to do research, to learn. We aren't just stupid kids. Because the more we know and understand about the world, the more power we have to make it better. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." In stead of asking why somebody didn't do something about a situation, realize you are somebody.

Are you there God? It's me, Jenna.

The more science you know, the less faith in religion you have. Or at least this is how I feel. I was raised Catholic. I was baptized, communionized, and confirmed. But that doesn't necessarily mean I am Catholic. I feel like I was just born into it and am not sure it's really what I believe in. There are a lot of things about this religion I do not agree with. I'm pro choice, pro gay, and anti little boys being molested. (sorry had to say it) I'm not here to bash the Catholic religion, but talk about my confusion on religion in general.

The thing that blows my mind about religion is that most people don't know why they're religious. They don't even truly understand their religion. I can tell you first hand I've gone through sunday school and CCD and sat through plenty of masses in my life and still don't really understand it. And what I do understand isn't all that clear. Because you have the Bible which says a bunch of stuff and some of it happened, but some of it is just a metaphor, and there are psalms and euphemisms. I can say the Our Father and I know you're not allowed to actually wear the rosary and that's pretty much the extent to it. Which is sad because you'd think after 19 years I'd know more about my own "religion." But I don't and I feel like most people are the same way. I question the validity of it all.

We can obviously say for the most part one reason we are religious to get to a better afterlife, whatever religion you believe in. But is it really worth spending your whole life trying to go to a nice place after you die that you forget to acknowledge the nice place you live now? And obviously I can't say this for other religions, but with Catholic, is me going to church and singing and genuflecting really going to automatically bring me to heaven? Going to church doesn't make you a good person, and people tend to forget that. I know plenty of good people who don't go to church and I wouldn't assume they'd go to hell because of it. And is there a hell? Or a heaven? What if we go where ever we believe our soul is going to go? So if you're Catholic you'll go to 'heaven' and if you're Buddhist you will be reincarnated. It's also possible our soul doesn't go anywhere and our matter is just recycled back into the Earth.

The problem is we don't know. And the fear of the unknown is what drives many people into being religious. They are scared. People who weren't ever religious pray on their death bed so their soul has a nice resting place. If it is fear that is controlling your faith is it all worth it? Do you actually believe what you think you do, or are your emotions effecting your judgment of it all?

It's not that I don't believe in a higher being, I do, it's that I don't think I believe in the standard view of God. I believe there has to be something out there controlling it all. But I can't disregard science either. I in no way believe that God put Adam and Eve on the Earth and that's how man was created. I believe in the Big Bang Theory and Evolution. While the big bang is just a theory, evolution is a proven scientific fact. I just don't understand how these smart people don't realize that and still think it's possible for two people to just appear. And their idea of God is so contradictory as well. How can he be warlike, yet peaceful? Cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious, yet kind, merciful, and good? These are all ways he's described in the Bible, so what is he? He loves all his children, but if they are homosexual they are an abomination and they should be killed. How can I put faith into a God like that?

And maybe I just think all of this because I don't fully understand. Because I know that's part of the problem. I have a hard time blindly believing in something I don't know much about. And I truly don't understand how people don't question these things. They go through life believing in things because they think they have to, or they have a guilty conscious and seek a God to forgive them. The universe, the world, life in general, is so beautiful and mind blowing enough it's hard for me to wrap me head around this idea of God.

I believe you can be spiritual without being religious. I don't think those two things are the same at all. There is a spiritual void in the world you can feel. Spirituality is being one with nature, finding peace, being harmonious. It is free of institutional structures and hierarchies, it has no limits. And it is different for everyone. Spirituality involves a 'holistic' appreciation of a universe in which everyone and everything is connected seamlessly with everyone and everything else.

While I may not believe in the general idea of God, I believe in the sun and the moon, I believe in the stars, I believe in the never ending cosmos where possibilities are endless. So just because someone doesn't believe in God, doesn't mean they don't believe in anything. I still have faith. I have faith in the universe and that everything works out for a reason. Creation is infinite. There is a reason Giordano Bruno had the dream telling him the universe is unbounded. In that time the sun revolved around the Earth, there were no telescopes, people believed what they could see with the naked eye. Someone, or something, must have planted that dream in Bruno's head. Someone needed life on Earth to know that there is much more out there.

We belong to something much greater than ourselves. We are not alone in the universe, I'm sure of that. There are 125 billion galaxies, and that's just what we're sure of. We could be part of a multiverse, where we are just one in never ending universe's. It's hard for people to open their minds to the idea of that. That we aren't special. That God didn't just put us here and that's that. If people would open their minds and realize this, they may find a different idea of faith.

What is this feeling so sudden and new?!

I felt the moment I laid eyes on you. My pulse is rushing. My head is reeling. My face is flushing OH what is this feeling?! Sorry I just really love musicals and especially Wicked. Anyway the feeling I'm talking about is walking. Wtf. Who knew relearning how to walk was so damn hard. Babies deserve more credit than they get you go babies I feel your struggle. I mean obviously I didn't forget how to walk but it's going to take a while for my right leg to build up the strength to walk properly. The weirdest thing is that it's not my ankle that hurts, it's the palm of my foot. (that may just be for hands like the palm of your hand... idk but you get what I mean) It got so soft now when I try to walk it's sore. It's literally like walking on straight bone. So safe to say I've got a little while to go yet, but it's a step in the right direction. I have to wear nikes for the next month at least so the yogas are here to stay for now. I fucking hate jeans, I don't even think I own a regular pair, but all I want to do is wear skinny jeans and boots. Like I can wear jeans but not with running sneakers, that's just ridiculous. That's actually a lie because all I really wanna wear are shorts because of my shorts obsession. The problem with that is my legs currently look like a before and after weight loss ad. It honestly looks so stupid and I'm hoping it won't take long for them to even out. Lol at the fact I have to "even out" my legs like they're the string in a hoodie. I also still have the crutches which obviously I'm not a fan of but at least I don't have to use them all the time now. I am getting a puppy this week though (don't tell Jaqui and Ed I'm surprising them) which will give me something to play with and love which I am very very excited about. If you know me (not that I think anyone I don't know is reading this but hey who knows) feel free to come visit the little guy and get some puppy lovin. I need to think of a kick ass name so that is in the works. Still slightly want to name him kitty. I'm just so pumped to dress him up he's so fuckin cute. Well anyways that's really all I got going on right now. I might post something a little more interesting and exciting later. But I also might be too lazy. Bye, vibe on.

Don't look at me

I'm being a typical white girl right now because I CAN'T. I can't stand when I go out how everyone stares at me. Like they've never seen someone on crutches before in their life. Kids are the worst. They stare with their beety little eyes and point. They're genuinely confused and don't know what's going on. One kid literally started crying he was so scared of the crutches. He started crying!!! That's so ridiculous. I don't even have to do anything now and I'm making children cry. And normally I love attention and making a scene but only when I want to. If I'm just casually walking in a store don't fucking look at me. I CAN'T.

Respect your ankles

Not being able to walk blows. So does being broken. It's a weird thing really, being broken. This is the first injury I've ever had and I'm sure as hell gonna make sure it's my last. It's not only painful physically, but mentally. Having to just sit around and watch other people have fun is the absolute worst. You get stuck in your head with all your thoughts. It's hard to fall asleep sometimes because of it.

But now I'm finally getting better. I can sleep through the night and started physical therapy. Since it's everyone's spring break I've been hanging out with my friends again. Being with them makes me so happy. And I should be walking normally in about two weeks HELL YES. My final day of antibiotics is April 11th and I couldn't be more excited about it. 

When I can't do something, it makes me wanna do it more. Like all I've wanted to do this entire time was climb a tree. I have never felt the need to climb a tree in my life, but now that I can't I just really want to. I also really miss jumping around. Whenever I see someone jumping I honestly get jealous. Respect you're ankles!!! They are really important. 

You honestly don't appreciate you're limbs until they're useless. I never realized how great walking is until now. Walking is the shit. So is pogo sticking which is another thing I'm looking forward to doing. 

I guess my point here is to appreciate what you have. Which is very cliche but whatever. It's true. And appreciate it while you have it, not after it's taken away that's the catch. 

Sex, Drugs, and My Extremely Questionable Morals

With everything going on in my life right now I have a lot of time to look back and reflect on the decisions I’ve made. Some are good, some are bad, but most are borderline regrettable. I say borderline because I really don’t regret anything that has happened in my life (NO RAGRETS) but maybe sometimes I should. I’m not exactly talking about the fights I had in middle school, or the lies I’ve told throughout the years. I’m talking about the good stuff; sex, drugs, and my extremely questionable morals. 

Lets head back to freshman year of high school circa 2009, when LG Envy’s were all the rage. Yeah that’s right, I didn’t say iPhone. They were still a thing of the future as far as teenagers were concerned. First of all, I had braces which is unfortunate for anyones face. We were all these awkward little things herded into a new school and expected to spread our wings and fly. And fly we did. But not exactly the kind of flying our teacher’s were going for, more along the lines of experimental drug use. 

A couple puffs is all it took and we were flying high up to the clouds. And by we I actually don’t mean me because my group of friends were strictly against smoking, so I was too. Talk about the blind leading the blind. My relationship with good old mary jane would begin soon enough. Now even though we weren’t a fan of smoking we found another substance that helped us fly… your typical shitty vodka that could make you puke just thinking about it. Your first experience drinking is always a memorable one. Mine included a couple of older guys, shoving bread down my best friends throat, and a hot and heavy hook up scandal. 

But that was all kiddie shit. I quickly upgraded from a couple mixed drinks to power hour shots, which honestly no teenage chicks stomach should be able to handle. Puking is inevitable at that age. I spent many night’s waking up in various places wondering what happened, what is life, and more importantly where is the water? I’ve woken up in bathtubs and bedrooms alike wondering wtf. One particular night the big joke was that the one guy made out (since hookup is now so ambiguous) with three girls. A couple days pass and we’re all still laughing and making fun of him about it, me included. It wasn’t until a couple weeks later I find out I just happened to be one of those lucky girls. Talk about looking like a jackass. But even still, most people’s favorite story of my questionable morals was the time I went to church with cum in my hair. My first blow job and this is what ends up happening. There is really no way to explain or defend that other than saying it was a time of early morning parent pick ups with no time to shower. I will say I didn’t realize until after, if that makes it any better. 

After a while I slowly enter the magical doors of the all natural marijuana. Ironically, the first thing I ever smoked was k2, which is a synthetic cannabis that I have no idea how or why my friends had and I’m not even sure if it still exists. Mainly because why would you want synthetic when it is so easy to get the good shit? At this point most of my guy friends were older and serious stoners. On one occasion my friend and I snuck out, only to watch two of our guy friends SWEY, or smoke weed eat yogurt which is a Mac Miller reference. We seriously stood there, watched them smoke, eat yogurt, fell asleep till five in the morning, and then were brought home. Why? Because that is a clear example of the stupid things teenagers do. I can say that these guys were the ones who really showed us how great weed actually is and if you think otherwise because it’s illegal you’re just dead wrong. It shouldn’t even be illegal in the first place and it wouldn’t be if it weren’t for those who had a specific agenda to outlaw it for their personal gain. One of them being Harry J. Anslinger, he’s a dick, whatever.

I used to sneak out a lot. And I mean A LOT. But the thing is it wasn’t even fun or exciting because it was so fucking easy. I almost wanted to get caught just for the thrill of it. My dad would be watching tv in the living room and I would walk out the front door. How anticlimactic. I never had to jump out of windows or sneak out from the basement. I even used to take my sisters car before I had my license. I would have butterflies in my stomach as I pulled out of the driveway, lights off, as slowly and quietly as possible. (p.s. when I did sneak out and drive I never drank. I’m questionable not stupid) The first time I snuck out my little brother even told on me and my mom didn’t believe him. Lol sorry Jaqui, it happened. 

Hooking up. Whatever the fuck that means these days I like it. I’m a makeout whore and a very sexual person. I blame it on my zodiac sign, I’m a scorpio. But I hate being judged for this. Sexuality shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed of and you should never get slut shamed because of it. There are tribes in Africa who seriously think its amusing that Westerners sexualize boobs. To them they are to provide milk to their babies. Which is what they are and when you think about them that way it’s weird to sexualize them. I love my body and love being naked. It’s not that I think I have a great body by any means but I am comfortable in my skin and think it’s sad how self conscious girls are. Because if you’re big, little, or in between we all have the same body parts. We’ve all seen naked people so why is it so shocking?

 “Don’t you have any self respect????” Yes I do. It’s called SELF respect and everyone has a different idea of what that is. I love sex and I’m not ashamed to say it. There’s also a difference between having sex and making love. I have never made love because I’ve never been in love but I hear it’s better so I’m looking forward to that. 

But let’s bringing it back to alcohol, my one true love. Just kidding, kind of. NO MOM I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I’m a normal teenage chick who likes to get drunk sometimes. I have been sober for three months now and I think that’s the longest time since I was 15. I’m eager to drink again but am realizing it’s about moderation and control. Blacking out every weekend isn’t cool anymore, I’m over it. You get to a point where it’s just repetitive, like have the same night every weekend. Pre game the pre game and then go out. It almost makes me wish I wouldn’t have partied so much in high school and waited till college. Because now I’m a freshman in college and over it, while some kinds are just getting into it. It's not that I don't wanna party and have fun anymore, it's just I realize there are more important things in life.

Am I an adult yet?

I asked my 5 year old cousin how old I was yesterday and she immediately guessed 14. When I told her I was was 19 she was shocked. To her 19 is just such a big number. Then I asked her how old she thought my sister was (she's 21) she said 50 right away. It made me wonder about people's perception of age. In her mind age is just "a lot of numbers." She doesn't see age as the experiences you've gone through or the challenges you've overcome. Then I thought what made her think I was 14 and Janelle was 50 when we're just 2 years apart? I get she's 5 and just said the first number she could think of, but something made me feel like it's more than that. Because in a lot of aspects I feel mature, but in others I don't. I just don't feel I have the independence I thought I'd have by now. When I was 13 I had my mind set that I'd move out of the house as soon as I turn 18. And I just feel like I don't know all the things I thought I'd know by now. Things like what is a credit score? (which is a serious concern of mine) Do I have a credit score? If I do have one is a big number or small number considered good? How can I have one if I don't know what it is??? I wonder if I'm the only 19 year old who is completely clueless on these things. And it's these everyday things that concern me the most. Another example being taxes and all the expenses I don't even realize my parents are paying. As much as I want to be independent and do my own thing I really just straight up don't know how to. And I feel like high schools should focus more on these things. They set us up to be able to handle the workload of college but forget to teach us how to get a loan to pay for it. I'm lucky enough to have parents who handle these things for me but I still feel like I should know how to do it and what things are. Some kids go into college not knowing how to do laundry... How do you expect teenagers to become the people they are supposed to be if they can't make their own bed? And there is so much pressure to figure out what you want to do when you get out of college. The rest of your life is a long time to be stuck in a job you hate because you were forced to choose when you were 18. It's like I wish people would make up their minds. I'm an adult at 18 which means I can vote and buy cigarettes and make a decision that's going to effect the rest of my life. Butttt I can't have a drink, I can't rent a hotel room, I can't even adopt a puppy from the SPCA (which I know cause I've been trying). Why can't they just hold off on telling us were adults until we're 21 or 25 because that's really when people start treating you like one. What's the point in telling us one thing and treating us another way? I want to feel like an adult, not just be one. 

The buzzing in my ears let's me know I'm not alone

At a sub- atomic level we are not matter, but pure energy. Our presence doesn't end at our skin, it radiates around us. These aura's connect us to the universe. We all came from the stars and when we die our energy stays alive. It get's recycled back into the infinite cosmos. 

When you live a positive life, you vibrate at the highest frequency. The frequency we should all try and live on. The energy we radiate attracts our experiences. Life doesn't just happen, what you feel inside is reflected in our outer experience. 

But your energy doesn't just affect you, it affects everyone around you. We are all interconnected. That is why you can't let negativity cloud your energy, it only brings others down. This helps us realize we are never truly alone. Even though we may vibrate at a different frequencies we are still all connected.

Once you begin to operate at a high-vibrational frequency more positive experiences will come into your life. This is when you are awakened. 

But enough of that. Stay positive. Radiate good vibes. 

Time to turn my brain off. Goodnight. 

Seeking a Great Perhaps

I'm at the point in my life where it's time to really find myself. To figure out who I am and what I want to do. I've hit a little bit of a road block, but I'm slowly figuring it out. In order to be a real person, you have to act like a real person. For over a month I would sit around my house, not getting dressed or even showering. I didn't think it was worth it. But I realized it really is. I realized how important it is to get dressed in the morning, put on some make up, make yourself feel good. Even if you did it all just to sit and watch tv at least you made an effort.

I truly believe if you put good thoughts into the universe, the universe will be good to you. I believe in karma and what comes around goes around. I believe in good vibes and being nice. But I wasn't always acting that way. I was talking about all these things but not doing anything about it. I was still a bitch. I hate everything about being mad and negative. I would be mean and not even know why. I didn't give other people a chance and I think I missed out on what could have been great relationships and friendships because of it.

This is my time to seek my Great Perhaps and I want to do so before it becomes my last words. I want to adventure and explore. I want to experience the world, not just live in it because it is such an amazing place. I love to think and question and learn. I wish I could obtain all of the knowledge in the universe. I want to write and film and photograph. There is so much I want to do with my life I feel like I'm already running out of time.

So this is me, seeking my Great Perhaps, living life and documenting what I can of it.

Emotions

I know I'm not the only one. I'm not the only lost soul that doesn't know which direction to fly. I want to be happy. At times that is a hard emotion to obtain. I can see it out in the distance, but can't quite reach it, can't fly that far. Pill's can't help me if my arms are too short. 

I hate all the dark emotions I've been having and try to keep them as deep down and buried as they'll go. But that's obviously not always easy, and really not realistic. Emotions are meant to be felt. We wouldn't have them if we were supposed to hide them all the time. It's society that makes us feel like we shouldn't be sad or shouldn't hurt. It's acceptable to laugh in public, but not to cry. We feel awkward when another person shares too much emotion. But why is that? Why do I feel like I don't know what to do if someone starts crying in front of me? I've cried plenty of times in my life, but watching someone else cry makes me uncomfortable. I feel as though I have to wait till I'm in the privacy of my home before I can even shed a tear. And really that's just fucked up. 

People tell you it's okay not to be okay, but if you're anything but fine they don't want to hear it. Everyone's problems matter. Just because I'm not a starving kid in Africa doesn't mean I have no problems. Obviously I'm not saying my problems could ever even compare to theirs, what I'm saying is I shouldn't feel obligated to hide what I'm going through because it's not "important" enough. It's also okay to have the feelings that come along with it. Believe it or not it's okay to be sad even if you don't want to be. You're allowed to say that you're feeling shitty if you're feeling shitty. 

With all the good in life there will always still be bad times. Rough time's that make you question who you are or what you believe in. These bad times genuinely make you appreciate all the good. Happiness is not the only emotion acceptable to express. Although we all may be striving for happiness, feelings are what make us human, make us more evolved, and make us connected to one another. All of these feelings drive our actions. They make us fall in love, or even out of love. They make us jealous and greedy. They make us hopeless and hateful. What ever the emotion is, they make us feel. They make us who we are. And I should never have to hide who I am... whoever that is. 

Idk

I'm starting a blog because I really don't know what else to do with my time. I know I may seem dramatic but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I had so many plans and so many things I wanted to do, breaking my ankle couldn't have happened at a worse time. Getting that taste of freedom and independence first semester and then not only getting it completely taken away, but needing to be dependent on others even more is indescribable. I don't know who I am or even who I want to be. I'm lost in my mind.

I have all these thoughts and feelings and don't know what to do with them. I'm 19 years old but still feel like a child, still feel like I can't make my own decisions without asking my parents first. And while I want to stay young I also want to become who I'm supposed to be. I try to stay positive and put good vibes into the universe, but it is so so hard. Every doctors appointment is more bad news.

Having to put my life on hold and just watch as the endless days go by. Not wanting to be awake so I can just sleep through life until it's all over. Waking up just to go to a doctor's appointment in the hopes of good news and never getting any. That's not a way to live. That's not living at all.

Four surgeries, two infections, one picc line.

Always having to wear long sleeves to cover the tube that is coming out of my arm. Just six more weeks, but wait no now another six weeks. Four months is a long time to sit around with your thoughts.

Not even liking my favorite foods because of the antibiotics. I don't even want water anymore, but at times its all I can keep down. I need to eat to get better, but eating makes me want to puke. When I do get hungry I can't figure out what I want, nothing tastes right.

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

But it could be worse.

It could be worse, but that doesn't make me feel any better. A lot of things could be worse, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's hard. I'm struggling.

Struggling to find who I am. Struggling to figure out what I want to do. Struggling to gain independence.