I'm reading the book Prozac Nation, and just watched the movie and can say it's one of my favorites of both. It's written by a woman named Elizabeth Wurtzel, it's a memoir. It's so real and honest. About depression, about fear of rejection, about sex, about divorce. I could quote the whole thing because it is all so true. I don't think I've ever come across something that I sincerely understand so perfectly. It's like this character is me and I'm reading words I feel but don't remember saying. I comprehend her feelings on everything. If anyone wants to get inside my head, this is the book to read/movie to watch.
I do have depression, apparently. I say apparently because I don't really know any other way of life. I don't know any other way to feel because I've felt it so long, it's become my normal. I'm on antidepressants, but they don't work. Like Elizabeth, I feel crazy, so crazy, but I have to hide it. Pretend I'm okay. I mean, that's what we all do sure. But for people with depression it's so much worse. The pain has exceeded pain and has become numb. And you can't talk about this because you're supposed to be happy and have fun and be normal. But this is your normal. She never fit in with her peers and that was never my case. I had friends and did everything you would expect a girl my age to do. But looking and thinking back, I never felt like I really fit in. That I had two sides of me and had to devour the one so the other one could thrive. I hid my emotions so far down I became a robot. If I did let my emotions out it was like an Earthquake. It would start out about something small and then bring down a house. I think it's because I feel everything so deeply, but don't want to. I'd rather be a robot like everyone else because this is what is expected. I was scared to be real, but I'm not scared anymore. When you do break down, which we all do and someone tells you it's okay or everyone has bad days they don't understand that it's different. "I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out."
She deals with her parents' divorce, which is why she has a fear of rejection. My parent's aren't divorced, [content censored due to unapproval of those referenced] How are you supposed to fall in love if you don't know what real love is? I see it all around me, in real life, in books, in movies. But I still don't know how to feel it. Reality bores me, so how can I live here? The words I write, the things I say mean nothing. It's all just floating in the universe waiting for someone to catch it. No one seems to ever catch it the right way. It's like any sport. There's a right and wrong way to catch a football. When people do try to reach out to me, when they try to, it's useless because their hands are clumsy. They might catch it for a second, a moment might make me feel better, and then it falls to the ground and the moment passes.
She meets a guy and decides he's going to be her savior. Everyone wants to believe they don't need to be saved, but what if you really can't save yourself? At first you self medicate with drugs and alcohol and sex. Which keeps you numb for a while, but you can't stay wasted forever. There comes a point you need to sober up, but that doesn't seem like an option. So you go to someone else to save you, maybe without them knowing. If they just say one thing right, it may be worth it. But in the end they grow tired of the demons in your head. And you can't even blame them because you're tired too. So now you're back where you started possibly worse than before. But you're just crazy or you're just looking for attention. So you shove it back down your throat long enough for you to go about your day, until you're alone at home and it come's bursting right back up.
I don't think anyone really understands me. Because I don't understand me. And that's scary. Genuinely not knowing who you are because you want to be and pretend to be so many people that you don't know what's real anymore. Most people probably look at me and see a "normal" girl. Who grew up in a good family. Went to a good school. But depression doesn't care who you are or where you came from. "...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too." That's better than I can put it. If you actually do decide to read or watch it, you'll realize she talks about suicide and tries to kill herself. I've never ever felt that low. There's so much I want to do with my life. So many possibilities. "Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing." I'm homesick for experiences and adventures. For the place's I want to visit I can physically feel it. But the problem is I can't feel the "normal" things everyone else feels. And at time's I don't want to. Yet, still, there are times that I do.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't even want to talk about it. I just think there are other people out there who feel the same way. I also don't want anyone to think it feels like this all the time and I'm always pretending, because that would be a lie. I do have a great life and I know that. It's just hard to feel it. I'm inside my head too much, and don't always know how to use my heart. The thing is I try to love so much, and at times I really do love so much it hurts. I'll be in a moment with people and think I could die without them with me. Like my heart would physically explode without them. Which makes it confusing because it's not the kind of love I need. "...what I really need, what I'm really looking for, is not something I can articulate. It's nonverbal: I need love. I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on. And I know it's around me somewhere, but I just can't feel it." The yearning for something you can't reach is terrifying. Because it makes everything else you feel seem insipid.
I'm not ignorant by any means of what I should be feeling. My head tells me one way to feel and my heart tells me another. At times I get so mad for no reason and can't control it. Not being able to control your emotions is the most frustrating thing. Anything someone does irritates you and you want to scream at everyone. You get mad when they sneeze. Literally. It sounds stupid and ridiculous, I know, but it's uncontrollable. I think my shortness is a perfect analogy. It's like I'm constantly reaching for this balloon that's floating further and further away and I can't seem to reach it, even though I can see it. I want the bad feelings out and the good feelings in, but they're stuck so tight I don't know how to get rid of them. Like a parasite in my soul, I can't remove. And it sucks. It just really, really sucks.
