Growing up I always assumed that girly=femininity which I've slowly been learning always is not the case. Femininity is about identifying as a woman and being proud of it. Femininity is holding your head high when society tries to shove you to your knees. Femininity is about wearing as much or as little clothing as you want. Femininity is about shaving as much or as little as you want. Femininity is about YOUR body, YOUR choice. There isn't one brand. Femininity is ice cream, and we all have our own favorite flavor.
Growing up I had it all wrong. I thought because I was a girl I was supposed to be girly which many young girls assume and for the most part it's reinforced and ingrained in them. All pink everything, (fun fact: pink used to be the "boy color" and blue was the "girl color" until Hitler decided to switch it) dresses, dolls, bows, you get it... And for a while I was fine with that. I loved dresses (but lets be real we all hated stockings). I loved playing with dolls and never really wanted to play video games with my brothers. I was a very girly and it felt right.
But then in my later Elementary school years that started to feel a little wrong. Not that I didn't still like being girly, I didn't like to have to be all the time. I didn't like or understand the box I was continuously being put in. So I started to refuse to wear dresses. I hated always having to be proper. I wanted to be able to climb a tree or run around with my bumble bee friends at recess (true story until one bit me, then they were dead to me). I wanted to be able to play on the tire swing without worrying about my skirt and play on the dome and do flips on the monkey bars without showing my undies.
The box was becoming tight with my resentment. But I just ignored it. I was a girl, I had no other choice.
Then going into middle school I quickly realized I had to look a certain way to hang around my friends. Hollister, Abercrombie, American Eagle... I wore a pink off the shoulder Hollister top that I got from a second hand store and was noticeably an older style, with a tank top underneath (because remember boys get distracted by shoulders and therefore can't focus *eye roll into another galaxy*) with a jean skirt. My best friend wore a similar outfit which we planned weeks in advance. We thought we were the bomb.com in these outfits. But flash forward a little bit to the first school dance. We were sooo excited, all in matching white skirts. But then we got there. And everyone else was wearing jeans or pants. So logically we went to the bathroom, cried, and called our parents to pick us up from this completely devastating experience. Thinking back on it now I wonder if the rolls were reversed how we would have acted. If we were the only ones wearing jeans, would it have been such a big deal, or was it because we felt exposed in a room full of denim? I can't quite figure that out.
Throughout middle school I was a closeted emo chick. I say this because on the inside I related to what kids would call emo. I liked emo music (you know what I mean). I would go home and listen to Panic at the Disco! when no one was around, then go back to school and blast Rihanna, which I liked just as much just didn't have to hide it. Then one day I come into school with a new hair cut that my aunt took me to get. I immediately knew the reaction that was coming my way and was 100% correct. I had told the hair stylist to do whatever and so she said she's give me layers... but the layers ended up being too short. My friends all sat me down and asked if I was emo. Because of a hair cut! I honestly felt very attacked but played it off with a "No way!" "I wouldn't be emo if someone paid me" Or something along those lines.
 |
| This is the closest picture I could find, the layers were shorter when it was first cut |
Then came High School and I knew I had to keep up the charade. I had to look just hot enough everyday for people to notice, while also following the dress code. But me being short, I got away with a lot more than my tall friends but that's another issue for another time. I had to wear what my friends wore, do what my friends did, like what my friends liked, so that I'd fit in. Then yoga pants (from the name brand stores we would only shop at) emerged like a god send. It's like the clouds parted ways and the pants drifted down in a beam of sun with angels lightly singing in the background. *Ahhhhh*...So you're telling me I can draw attention to my ass, while also being comfortable?! Send me 25 pairs immediately. It was a game changer. We no longer had to surrender our comfort for "hotness."
Now at this point who I really was was shoved and buried 6 feet under my soul so I didn't even know or understand or recognize her anymore. I thought this was who I was. I was part of a bitch clique (what we called ourselves). I was a mean girl who thought the world revolved around her. I was a brat and a bitch. I prided myself on the fact that people hated me. I thought it was cooler that way. So I stayed "cool." It wasn't until I was out of high school, when my accident happened that I had tons of time to self reflect, but I didn't recognize the girl in the mirror.
The box was becoming even tighter with my resentment. But this time I didn't just ignore it. I was a girl, I had every choice.
Now in the 3 years between when that happened and now, I've struggled with a lot of things. This entire blog is a product of that. This was my way of coming to terms with who I really am. And I still don't really now, but I'm learning and growing and evolving still. But I think I'm finally headed in the right direction. I attended the first woman's march in Philly and it was so amazingly empowering. The love and support and gentleness fell through the air like confetti the entire time. It ignited something in me and since then I can't sit still. It helped me finally realize what femininity is. What feminism is.
I truly believe in the good in people and the magic that can be found in all of us. With our current president I know that's hard sometimes. I know people feel alone and hurt and scared because I feel it too. Even with my white privilege constantly stapled to my face. I feel it. And I will always fight for what's right. I will fight for intersectional feminism because the whitewashing has to stop. I will always fight for equality for ALL. And my journey is just getting started.
The box is now slowly burning.
No comments:
Post a Comment