I’ve learned and been through a lot since I last posted. The smorgasbord of mental health issues I melted into weaved its web inside my brain and somehow gained full control. I'm in the process of gaining back the controller that is my life, but it's a lot easier said than done. Depression feels a lot like a thief in your body stealing your motivation, concentration, appreciation, and a lot of other "tion" words (since the suffix does mean state or quality). Basically your whole mental state is diminished and your headspace is not in a safe place (rhyming is fun). If you are anything like me, your thoughts eat away at you and make you feel like shit. And even though everyone around you claims you sparkle like the fuckin sun, it doesn't matter. Literally nothing anyone says or does matters, because you don't feel like you matter. I'm not saying they aren't doing the right thing-- I know everyone desperately wants to help me.. it's just that you can't accept help until you accept yourself.
For me it’s not just depression either, it’s also anxiety onset by my broken ankle. The silly thing is I never understood anxiety so I always said I didn’t have it… turns out I really struggle with it. Whenever I’d get anxious I’d tell myself I was being dramatic, that no one was looking at me-- no one cares. But sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes it’s far too difficult to get yourself out of that headspace in a healthy way. Looking back at my blog I realize I wrote a post about hating that people would stare at me while I was on crutches-- now I know that was Mr. fuckin anxiety grabbing me by the balls.
Lots of mental health issues often combine to form one big super issue, like a rubber band ball.. the problem gets bigger and bigger. What my doctors originally thought was ADHD is now seeming like it's bipolar disorder, which is a terrifying thing to accept let alone type out for the world to finally see. I often feel violated by my own body, like it has turned against me… I ended up hospitalized for a week right after Christmas because my thoughts became evil, instead of the loving friend they are supposed to be. And that happens a lot. To a lot of people.. so I’m not afraid to admit it. You go through physical therapy when you break a bone (which I know from experience), you go through chemotherapy when you have cancer, and when your brain is broken you go through group therapy, or cognitive therapy, or whatever therapy is right for you. Therapy is therapy. There is absolutely no reason for mental health issues to be stigmatized.
Why do we force ourselves into a silent struggle when we are well aware that other people feel the exact same way.. that other people are hurting in the exact same way we are? It doesn’t make sense to me and I hope to see that change one day. But for now all we can do is talk, and learn, and grow and tell ourselves what we’re feeling inside is okay. That the emotions we so badly wish to reject are essential in feeling the good. It’s difficult to untrain your mind something you’ve been taught but it’s not impossible. The word itself says “I’m possible!!” (Audrey Hepburn <3)
