I really hate being put into any kind of bubble. Whether that's being a girl, or being straight, or whatever. It's really hard and frustrating having to be someone you're not to be accepted. It's also scary to be yourself when you feel so different. It's a catch 22. Be who you are and not be understood, or pretend to be someone you're not just to fit in. It's like everyone you know is living on one plane, and you're trapped in another. Feeling like an alien, like you belong somewhere else and were put on this Earth by accident. I think about that a lot. What if my soul wasn't meant to come here. What if I was meant to live on another planet, in another world? Or maybe even just a different century. I never felt like I fit in. I never really felt at home in my skin. Until recently. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm making progress. It's hard because I don't think 'myself' is normal enough for most people. They don't get me which is especially hard when I don't always get myself. I just want to be able to express myself and be myself and be free.
Don't assume I am anything I am not. Don't assume I'm straight just because I've been with guys. Don't assume I'm gay because I've been with a girl. Don't assume I'm bi because I've had threesomes. Stop trying to fit me into some mold that I don't believe should exist. We feel the need to label to make ourselves feel comfortable. Does me saying "I am bi" change me as a person? Or does it change how people perceive me? Does me "coming out" have anything to do with me? Or the people around me? Will they find solace in finally knowing who I am? Or how to label me? I am not a fucking T-Shirt. I do not need a label saying how to wash me and what size I am. I don't always need to be handled with care, I need to be handled as the person I am. Because that label isn't doing a damn thing for me. It is meant for other people.
We're all scared of change and judgment. Do you think if my grandparents read this they would understand? My Grandpop has already told me if I married a woman not to waste an invitation on him. I know they love me, but they don't know me. They know the me I share with them, which is mostly fake to keep them from being uncomfortable. But I'm tired of having to pretend to make other people feel better. I should be able to be who I am without worrying about what someone is going to say or how they are going to react. We should all be able to be ourselves without fear. And I just really hope one day we live in a world where that's possible.
