Smells Like Heaven

I'm sure people wonder why I'm so open and honest in my posts and feel I share too much. But sometimes it takes the struggle of another person to find your strength. When you can relate to someones pain it helps you realize you're not alone and that you can overcome whatever you're going through, even if they did not. Sometimes other people can string together you're own thoughts better than even you can. I find a beautiful connection to certain artist, writers, poets, etc. because through their work they portray the reality that is my head and I am so grateful for that. So if I can do that for even one person, it's worth it to me.

Lana Del Rey, Silvia Plath, and Kurt Cobain are just some of the artists I feel this connection to. (Not that I'm comparing myself to them by ANY means) I am inspired by their seemingly far out thoughts that somehow so gracefully find themselves a home in my soul. Lana's song Ride, for example, made my stomach drop the first time I heard it. 

"I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean..."

Listening to someone like Lana who you identify with so much and so deeply to the point you feel sick is so unbelievably comforting. It doesn't seem like it makes sense, but it does when you feel like a stranger. You realize there are other strangers out there and if there are others, are we really that strange?

The war in my mind is a constant and consistent battle between the person I was meant to be, and the person I am settling for because it's a hell of a lot easier then facing my most authentic self. It terrifies me to think I am not living up to my potential to the point that I somehow allowed myself to sleep through the past two years of my life.

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."

I'm beginning to wake up, but my eyes are still adjusting to the intense self realization that gradually, but effectively flipped my whole perspective of life upside down. That being said, I may need some extra blinks to help me through the day, and still some days I won't be able to open them at all. Don't confuse this with a lack of effort, or me giving up, because it's impossible to change overnight. And at times when it seems as if I'm not trying, just know that I am. It may not have been genuine a year ago, but it is now. So please be patient with me.

"The outside world is pretty foreign to me"

It also terrifies me how slowly, but eventually, your mindset changes. The day to day things you told yourself were okay just this time, just in the circumstance, become routine. And that routine becomes a hell inside you disguised as paradise and smelling like heaven. The little demons in you that don't seem problematic individually, begin to accumulate and swallow you. They tangle the cords in your head and cover your eyes so that you're blind to what they truly are and ignorant to the destruction they've caused. Eventually all that is left is a mess of emotions wedged in your deepest, darkest crevices, squishing you like the spider you are, as you struggle to be set free. When the wad of sticky, bad touch, too much to handle, feelings that you've been suppressing for so long finally manage to escape the fall out is doomed from the start. You are no longer, or most likely never were able to handle your emotions in a healthy way, so now it's your job to teach yourself and motivate yourself everyday until you believe it is possible. Once you believe in the possibility of change and want it bad enough that your fear of heights is a small price to pay for the miraculous view ahead, and only then, will you soar high enough to forget any of the worries you had.

One day you wake up and the demons have transformed into angels, guiding you towards the light, towards self acceptance, towards positive change.

I am no longer struggling, I'm flourishing.

C is for Courage and so is Caitlyn

To everyone who is upset about Caitlyn Jenner receiving the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage at the Espy's...

You're right. I think in an ideal world she shouldn't have won, and Michael Sam shouldn't have won last year. I'm not saying this because I don't think they deserve it. I think they absolutely deserve it... but they shouldn't. Because it shouldn't take courage to be who you are. But in the society we live in, that's one of the most courageous things to be- yourself. It's especially hard if you don't fit into the perfect mold of how to act and the type of person to be.

Being transgender or gay shouldn't win you awards. It shouldn't be a surprise. It shouldn't be seen as a choice. It shouldn't make you brave in anyway.

I believe in equality and this isn't equality. Gay and trans people will not be equal until we forget about them. And when I say this I mean that it shouldn't be headline worthy for a football player to come out as gay, the same way it isn't headline worthy to be straight. Until it is completely normalized and accepted in society to the point that it's not a hot topic of conversation, we will not be completely equal.

The LGBTQ community deserves respect, not awards. They deserve to be accepted as they are. They deserve to live and for their struggle to be seen. They deserve everything a cis person deserves. Because guess what? They aren't less. They are just as much human as any cis person and should not be denied the basic right to be free. 

If I am a bubble then I just might pop

I really hate being put into any kind of bubble. Whether that's being a girl, or being straight, or whatever. It's really hard and frustrating having to be someone you're not to be accepted. It's also scary to be yourself when you feel so different. It's a catch 22. Be who you are and not be understood, or pretend to be someone you're not just to fit in. It's like everyone you know is living on one plane, and you're trapped in another. Feeling like an alien, like you belong somewhere else and were put on this Earth by accident. I think about that a lot. What if my soul wasn't meant to come here. What if I was meant to live on another planet, in another world? Or maybe even just a different century. I never felt like I fit in. I never really felt at home in my skin. Until recently. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm making progress. It's hard because I don't think 'myself' is normal enough for most people. They don't get me which is especially hard when I don't always get myself. I just want to be able to express myself and be myself and be free.

Don't assume I am anything I am not. Don't assume I'm straight just because I've been with guys. Don't assume I'm gay because I've been with a girl. Don't assume I'm bi because I've had threesomes. Stop trying to fit me into some mold that I don't believe should exist. We feel the need to label to make ourselves feel comfortable. Does me saying "I am bi" change me as a person? Or does it change how people perceive me? Does me "coming out" have anything to do with me? Or the people around me? Will they find solace in finally knowing who I am? Or how to label me? I am not a fucking T-Shirt. I do not need a label saying how to wash me and what size I am. I don't always need to be handled with care, I need to be handled as the person I am. Because that label isn't doing a damn thing for me. It is meant for other people.

We're all scared of change and judgment. Do you think if my grandparents read this they would understand? My Grandpop has already told me if I married a woman not to waste an invitation on him. I know they love me, but they don't know me. They know the me I share with them, which is mostly fake to keep them from being uncomfortable. But I'm tired of having to pretend to make other people feel better. I should be able to be who I am without worrying about what someone is going to say or how they are going to react. We should all be able to be ourselves without fear. And I just really hope one day we live in a world where that's possible.

Sex Ed as Told by a Confused White Bitch

I think we all view sexuality in such a strange and close minded way. The biggest problem is we all assume everyone (for the most part) we meet is straight. Think about it. The first time you meet someone and they appear straight (whatever that means) you figure that they are. No one assumes you're gay unless you act gay or look gay. Which basically means acting feminine if you're a guy and butch if you're a girl. But the way you act and talk and move and look shouldn't automatically determine your sexuality. 

Another big thing for me is how do you know you don't like something until you try it? I was a super picky eater as a child and sometimes I would look at certain foods and just assume I don't like it because I didn't like the way it looked, but then once I finally did try it I realized how much I liked it. I could have been eating this amazing food my whole life if I weren't so close minded. It's like strawberry ice cream. Just because at first it might seem weird and fruity doesn't mean you won't enjoy it once you try it.

In the same way how do you know you're not gay until you try it out? Now my feelings toward this could totally be off base and most straight people know they're straight without having to experiment, I don't know. But I don't think there's anything wrong with experimenting and figuring out what you like. It doesn't make you a sex fiend or nymphomaniac it just means you're figuring out who you are. 

I've always been curious and eager to figure out my sexuality because I never thought I could identify as 100% straight. I never found a need to define and label myself, but I did want to learn what I liked and what I didn't like. I still like to keep my sexuality a little ambiguous and keep people guessing, it's none of their business anyway and unless I'm fucking them, irrelevant. 

Ever since 8th grade and the rumor that I was gay came out, I've always been a little confused for multiple reasons. The only reason I didn't think I was gay because I was expected to be straight. At this point in my life I had 0 sexual experiences so how was I supposed to know? I had barely kissed a guy. I knew I thought guys were hot, but I also thought girls were hot too. And I'm still not sure if I find girls attractive or can spot an attractive girl. All girls can tell when a girl is pretty, but whether or not they want to fuck them is a different story.. The main questions I had about the whole thing were as follows

                 1. Do I act and seem gay? 

                 2. Is that supposed to be an insult? 

                 3. What if I am? 

                 4. How do I know if I am? 

                 5. Is it okay if I am? 

I always blew it off and told everyone I wasn't and I still am not. I like boys, but I've recently been discovering I also like girls. Right now I don't think I could see myself just dating a chick, but I also can't see myself just dating a guy either. I have yet to meet my person. When I do, I kdon't know what gender they will be, but that doesn't really matter. Here in the now I am finally finding myself. 

Your sexuality is a huge aspect of who you are. When you aren't sure what you are, you feel lost and unbalanced. Especially in a society who pretty much expects you to be straight. That's the "norm." When you finally do realize you're gay or Bi or whatever you have to "come out." It's a nerve wracking experience where you have to tell everyone that you're different. This should not exist. It shouldn't be assumed that everyone is straight. That's one of the most fucked up things. 

In the process of figuring out my sexuality I started having threesomes. I figured this was the best way to figure out whether or not I like girls in a sexual way while also still having a guy there in case I don't. I found out I do. I had made out with chicks before, but that doesn't mean shit. I finally verified out I like girls, but I still also like guys. I suppose that makes me BI, but again, I don't like the label. I love sex so this took everything to a new level. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It's a natural part of being a human. Most people are doing it, so why do we feel the need to hide it? 

If we were all more open about sexuality the world would be a nicer place to live. We judge people based on who they love more than their character. Homophobes don't mind shitty straight people, but are disgusted by good gay people. That makes no sense to me. I don't think you should judge anyone but if you're gonna do it, do it based off their god awful personality, not the person they're attracted to.


*I am pansexual, a sexuality I didn't know existed till after this post was published. Reasons why we need to be taught sexualities, not just sex Ed. This is important and would save people like me a lot of time and concern and heart ache.*

No Hetero

This is just a little 250 word short story I wrote for my creative writing class. There was a word limit I wanted to add so much more but I also don't want to ruin it the way it is now. I'm going to try to write more, I know it's been forever and I hate that. Hopefully this class will get the creative juices flowing because I feel like I've had a lot of thoughts lately. Anyway, here it is. It's called No Hetero...

I can’t hold this secret in any longer. I feel so heavy inside, like I need to shed my skin to finally fit into my body. What will people say? Will my ex boyfriend understand? I guess I should tell my parent’s first. I sit them down.

I can tell they realize something’s up. My nerves are getting the best of me. The clock across the room is ticking to the beat of my heart. Just as my mom’s about to say something my mouth opens and word vomit explodes into the room, “I’M STRAIGHT!”

So many things are rushing through my head as my parent’s process what they’ve just heard. I watch my mom’s eyes look at each other and then back to me. I don’t know how long the silence was but to me it felt like eternity.

Oh no, I should have eased into it. Are they in shock? Are they ever going to say anything? Should I say something? But what could I say? I just shattered their whole idea of me as a man. I smile awkwardly. I’ll take it back… just kidding ha ha ha… no I can’t. It’s finally out into the universe. There’s no way I’m going back to giving hand jobs in the back of the movie theater. Mama seems more okay with it then mom, but it’s hard to tell. This was the worst idea of my life…

Then at the same time they both smile and say, “we know.”